Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good husband to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair
cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you
don't want sex anymore, or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear EX-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good husband is
a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' But my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk
boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was
a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved
you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason
I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So
take care.
Your EX-Wife - Rich as Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister,
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Simon
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